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My New Plan

I’ve been reading the news a little bit lately. Anyone who knows me is probably going to tell you that isn’t a good sign, as the news normally depresses me, but that isn’t the case this time. This time, the news has inspired me. Thanks to the news, I see that I’ve been going about things all wrong. I’ve developed a new financial plan that I intend to implement immediately.

From now on, I will purchase whatever I want no matter what it costs. The days of budgeting and saving are over. I will make sure I open many accounts and make my finances as complicated as possible. I will borrow more than I can afford to pay back. I will borrow it so quickly that nobody can reduce my credit limit in time. I’m going to do my best to figure out some way to set my own credit limit too, and if I’m successful, I’ll set it so high that my creditors’ heads will explode.

My plan will not have any negative repercussions because I know from the news that I have all of Washington behind me. After reading the news, I know that democrats and republicans in congress alike will put consumer credit reporting agencies under investigative scrutiny when they drop my beloved credit score. You hear that, Experian? Equifax? Transunion? Downgrade my rating and some powerful people are going to restrict your influence before you know what hit you. Democratic Rep. Barney Frank and Republican Rep. Randy Neugebauer will be on it right away, calling for you to have a smaller role in determining my creditworthiness. Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich will tirelessly investigate if there’s some way you guys could have benefited financially from your decision, and a bunch of other democrats will get severely peeved about mistakes you made estimating the deficits caused by my unbelievably complex financial plan. Everyone will agree that your ratings are worthless because you failed to predict the financial crisis I created.

Washington will see that none of the consequences of my actions are my fault at all. Again thanks to the news, I know that our wise leaders will see that my terrible credit score and subsequent difficulties purchasing more jet skis and Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Makers are no reflection of me, but rather of the influence of the Tea Party movement. Democratic Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz knows a bunch of tyrants when she sees them, and you just can’t bargain with those jerks. I’m sure they’ll play some part in blocking the more comprehensive bargain I’ll want on my debt ceiling after I start to feel the crunch.

The news tells me that Democrat Senator Tim Johnson would jump to my aid. He’ll accuse those who might hold me accountable as being “irresponsible”, citing the horrific “spillover effects” I might experience, like increased interest rates. The agencies and creditors’ game of political punditry simply will not go unnoticed. Even Obama will jump to my aid by disputing the naysayers’ political judgment and challenging their competence. With the amount of spending I’ll be doing, I’m gonna be way too big to fail. I can do whatever I want because what I want is so important that I shouldn’t have to worry about details like whether I can actually afford it.

My plan is foolproof, so please, don’t bother telling me how I’m wrong. The news is clear. With Washington on my side, I’ll be just fine.

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