Unimaginable Stupidity

There’s no shortage of government stupidity when it comes to DUI in general. However, there are some aspects where the ridiculousness of it all is really put on show.

One of the silly little tests that armed enforcers like to coerce unsuspecting motorists into performing so that other government actors can later forcibly remove blood from the motorists’ bodies is called the “walk and turn” test. I think there’s a little extra government stupidity when it comes to that test.

The officer begins administering the test by saying something like this:

I want you to put your left foot on the line and then place your right foot in front of it. Don’t move until I tell you. Do you understand?

When the suspect assumes the position, the officer continues with something like this:

When I tell you to begin, take 9 heel-to-toe steps down the line, turn around and take 9 heel-to-toe steps back. When you turn, you must turn so that your lead foot remains on the line. Keep your hands at your sides. Watch your feet at all times and count your steps out loud. Once you begin do not stop until finished. Do you understand?

I notice a few obvious problems right away.

First, I’m not very coordinated. Even if I trained, I probably couldn’t stand with my feet like that for very long. I’d do even worse if I was taken by surprise, put on the spot, and nervous. Second, some of it is just bad advice. The best way to balance is to look at a fixed spot somewhere, preferably in the distance. Anyone who’s ever done even a little bit of any activity requiring balance can tell you that looking at your feet is a surefire way to fall over. Third, it’s way too complex. I can’t figure out how to do even the most basic dance moves, and I’ve had plenty of motivation over the years to learn. I forget the steps instantly. I don’t remember things like that very well.

That leads me to the pop quiz. Without looking back at the instructions above, answer the following questions to yourself while attempting to perform the walk and turn test:

How many steps must you take before turning around?
Is there a direction you have to turn?
When you turn, which foot must remain on the line?
Where do your hands have to be the whole time?
Can you stop before you turn?

Hopefully all of this helps highlight how ridiculous the test is. It’s absurd that something as obviously unscientific and clearly designed to encourage failure can help constitute cause to put a human being in a cage. As is often the case with DUI, however, the test is even more of a fraud than it appears on its face.

What happens if there isn’t a line? Believe it or not, the police will make you use an imaginary one. Jurisdictions often have a standard sheet they use to track results, and most of the time, the sheets actually mention the imaginary line specifically. The scripts say something like this:

I want you to put your left foot on the (imaginary) line and then place your right foot in front of it. Don’t move until I tell you. Do you understand?

When I tell you to begin, take 9 heel-to-toe steps down the (imaginary) line, turn around and take 9 heel-to-toe steps back. When you turn, you must turn so that your lead foot remains on the (imaginary) line. Keep your hands at your sides. Watch your feet at all times and count your steps out loud. Once you begin do not stop until finished. Do you understand?

I’m not kidding.

The officer really is supposed to tell the suspect to use an imaginary line for guidance. The sheets usually have a special spot where the officer is supposed to circle whether the line the suspect used was real or imaginary. Unfortunately, there isn’t a spot to circle whether it was the imaginary line the suspect imagined or the one the officer imagined. Or perhaps it’s implied that the suspect must imagine the officer’s imaginary line. The state came up with the test after all, so I imagine its imaginary line is better. On the other hand, officers probably have special imagination training to help them imagine a suspect’s imaginary line with great precision, but I really don’t know how it works. Someone should probably clarify that in the instructions. I’m confused now.

All of this would be a lot funnier if it weren’t for the fact that “clues” on the walk and turn test help lead to arrest of the unsuspecting people who’ve already been publicly humiliated with all this nonsense, and that stepping off line is one of those “clues.” Even when the line is imaginary.

The big picture is disturbing. People are put in chains, threatened, and have their bodily fluid removed, all due in part to an absurd test designed to reveal an absurd set of signs that include failing to physically follow an imaginary line. Whose imaginary line matters remains unclear. Failing to realize the problem with all of this, authorities across the state and probably across the nation widely use the test and even formally incorporate the imaginary line into the instructions. Nobody seems to notice there’s a problem.

Welcome to the world of DUI.