It’s a classic love story, really. Man meets woman. Man marries woman. Woman meets other man. Men agree to watch woman have sex with dog they found on craigslist together.
Then, things get weird. Dog owner gets cold feet. Sheriff Joe valiantly intervenes, of course. World is safe for the time being, as husband, wife, and lover must surrender their pets while on pretrial services with mandatory ankle bracelets and a curfew.
Aside from the obvious, a couple of small things really stand out. First, why didn’t they just go get a dog at the pound? Seriously. There are all kinds of freaks on craigslist. By going to the pound, they’d know exactly what they’re getting. Second, the curfew doesn’t make sense at all. Does the judge think all the super slutty dogs hang out at night? It seems to me that they should have a reverse curfew if anything. At night, dogs are safe and sound at home with their people. During the day, they’re home alone. It seems like a canine sexual predator’s dream.
All kidding aside, the story is remarkable not just for the crazy facts, but because of how the Arizona courts deal with people accused of bestiality. Most people don’t realize that bestiality is a felony in Arizona. It’s a felony if the animal is dead too, which wouldn’t be so strange if killing someone else’s dog wasn’t just a misdemeanor. Animal sex is worse than animal murder, I guess.
Because it is found in Chapter 14 of Title 13, the judge setting release conditions in a bestiality case is required to impose ankle monitoring. If convicted, an offender can be required to register as sex offender and be placed on lifetime probation. The court even has special discretion to make someone convicted of bestiality pay for a shelter’s costs caring for the animal and to undergo a psychological assessment and participate in counseling at his own expense.
It’s a strange case and we’ve got some strange laws, but it’s also pretty amusing that the sheriff’s office decided to make a sting out of the situation in the first place. I can imagine the undercover officer being briefed to play the role of the dog owner. I can just see her supervisor explaining how they have to take her off of whatever homicide or criminal syndicate case she was working and that she needs to develop a bond with the dog to pull it off, make it look real. I imagine her taking rover for long walks to prepare for the sting, giving him belly rubs and feeding him puppy treats. I hope she wore a wire when the deal was supposed down. Man what I would give to have that recording.
None of this should be a surprise, really. When you’re on hold with the sheriff’s department, instead of muzak, you hear from some lady over and over again about some award Sheriff Joe got from the Humane Society. She praises the fact his deputies arrest people charged with crimes against animals instead of just issuing a citation. She mentions Sheriff Joe’s devotion to helping not just dogs and cats, but turtles and other exotic animals too. Who knew turtle abuse was so rampant here in the Valley of the Sun?
I’m left scratching my head and wondering about Sheriff Joe’s priorities. I’m also reminded of an experience I had several years ago when I came home from vacation to find all of my belongings stolen and my house vandalized. The officer who arrived couldn’t have cared less. I could see a clear fingerprint on a metal picture frame they’d left, and despite the officer mentioning in passing that there had recently been a string of residential burglaries in my neighborhood, she seemed to have a tough time suppressing a laugh when I asked about taking fingerprints. At least she was honest, though. She said she wasn’t going to look into it and told me I’d be wasting my time filling out a victim’s rights form requesting to be notified if they caught anyone. What was I thinking? Of course they weren’t going to catch anyone! There were probably lots of turtles that needed rescuing.
It’s pretty clear where law enforcement priorities lie here in Arizona: DUI, drugs, man-on-turtle crime, and early thirties blonde ladies and the men who love them looking for puppy love on the internet. Not necessarily in that order.
Thanks to our boys in blue, we’ve caught some perps. We’ve saved a golden shepherd from having to fornicate with a lady in front of her husband and lover. A couple of Pomeranians are homeless now that the lady and the two men have had to surrender their pets. The husband, a flight attendant, can’t work because the ankle monitoring device can’t be left on during take off and landing. None of their lives will ever be the same. Arizona, previously known as the place where a local fire chief was caught trying to have sex with his neighbor’s sheep, has once again made international news thanks to a human-on-animal sex story. It’s hardly a happy ending for anyone involved, Arizona included.
H/T The Agitator and Xochitl
Inspired by a comment, my experience with law enforcement…