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We Must Freak Out (For The Children)

Put down whatever you’re doing. Your children are in danger, and it can’t wait.

This morning, the Today Show aired a hard-hitting piece that you and your family simply cannot afford to miss. There is a new threat to kids lurking in the last place you’d ever expect: it’s in their little metal water bottles.

They may not cause cancer. They may not explode under pressure or have dangerously sharp edges. However, the threat they pose is still all too real. It’s only made worse by the fact the danger lurks in their very design, a simple flaw that has escaped our vigilance up to now. It took the innocence of children to stumble upon it.

These vicious devices are firmly grabbing hold of our children’s tongues, requiring hours of intense surgery to be removed. As the video linked above warns, the graphic images of this torturous process might disturb you. Don’t flinch, though. You owe it to the young to see the dangers they face.

Imagine the horror of seeing your little baby with a grotesque metal bottle clinging to his or her face. Imagine your son or daughter without a tongue. The video explains it could happen to any kid. That means it could happen to yours.

The video explains the bottles’ narrow necks and strong brass ridges act like nooses, trapping innocent little tongues. Children are completely and utterly helpless against these modern-day torture devices, as the show’s animation describing the gruesome process drives home. The horror!

We must act now. The tireless reporters at NBC not only found the story of one young girl, whose family is thankfully considering legal action, but were also able to point to two other kids whose lives were changed by the same hidden danger. We as a society are obviously not equipped to tell every one our children not to stick their tongues in metal water bottles because they might get stuck. Accordingly, it is imperative that we all freak out about this because our legislators may fail to address this urgent crises if we do not.

We must remove these abominable instruments of tongue mutilation from circulation. Write your congressman. Contact the president. Think about the children. Their lives, and their tongues, depend on it.

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One Response to "We Must Freak Out (For The Children)"

  1. Xochitl says:

    I am so glad you have grown to appreciate morning programming. There would be no other way to be protected from dangerous metal bottles and be informed on what Kim Kardashian is wearing this week!

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