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A Pony Post for Ken

When internet marketing folks try to pimp their guest-blogging services to Ken at Popehat, he asks them for pony-related articles. Here’s a recent response to a request for a guest post:

Hi David,

My name is Ken and I was checking out your email. I have seen that you have written guest posts for various blogs.

David, I am excited to Know that you are open to my questions/ideas about possible guest posts about law and legal topics.

Here’s a topic that interests us at Popehat: how does the law classify ponies vis a vis horses?

David, until recently we were under the impression that ponies were simply teenaged horses. That would explain their impetuous and dangerous behavior. Everyone knows that teenagers act badly. Time Magazine has been warning us about teenaged super-predators for decades. That was supposed to be because of crack cocaine and fetal alcohol system and possibly cable television, which I’m pretty sure aren’t problems for ponies, but I think my point is still clear, isn’t it?

But now I learn that I was wrong, that ponies are different — that they are Other, not merely teenaged or otherwise stunted horses. My question: does this Otherness have any standing at law? Are ponies, as an Other, somehow privileged to wreck the dank and copper-scented havoc they lust for? Do ponies have rights superior to horses, or superior to we foolish men who allow ourselves to believe we are their masters?

I would be very interested in discussing a guest post about that, David.

Very truly yours,


Hilarious? Yes. Flawed? Sadly, yes too.

See, I can assure you that ponies are no laughing matter. I have experienced first hand the dank and copper-scented havoc Ken claims they wreck, though I never got close enough to confirm the smell was indeed copper or even copper-like. Regardless, I know the evil that lurks in their hearts. Although I may not know enough to blog about the emerging area of pony law, I know more than a little something about ponies.

While hiking the Arizona Trail this March, a few days from the Mexican border and a few hours in for the day, I was looking forward to stocking up on some much-needed water at a place called Twin Tanks. I’d eaten Ramen with reduced broth the night before and carefully rationed my water for the latter part of the day because of a lack of reasonably filterable water at the sources I’d hoped to use. I just so happened to be able to fill up from a few scattered pools in a canyon earlier in the day, but nothing would’ve made me happier than to drink luxurious amounts of easy-to-gather water from a couple of big tanks conveniently located in the middle of some very dry country.

As I approached the tanks, I saw what seemed too good to be a true. It had to be a beautiful mirage, I thought. I hiked toward a beautiful pool of water in the middle of nowhere and began eating lunch under a giant shade tree, thinking about all the glorious water I would get to drink.

This story would have a happy ending if it weren’t for ponies. Damn dirty ponies. With giggling little girls riding them around.

As I sat under that tree daydreaming about things like refreshment and adequate hydration, a duo of tween-laden ponies galloped over a nearby hill and proceeded to run amok in my beautiful water source. My high hopes were dashed by those dastardly ponies, tromping around incessantly and stirring up so much silt that even pre-filtering the water would have been impossible. As my hiking buddy noted, it was a pony infestation. I touched my cracked, chapped lips and thought about my bone dry mouth and parched throat as one of the ponies took a giant dump while standing knee-deep in the water no more than fifty yards away. Fucking ponies.

So that’s about it. This really doesn’t have much to do with the law, though I do admit I wouldn’t mind seeing some anti-pony legislation in the near future. I’ve also been wondering what pony tacos would taste like. Anyway, hopefully one of those would-be guest bloggers finally takes Ken up on his offer and puts together an enlightening piece about the pony problem. I feel like I’ve done my part now.

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