Archive for July, 2009

What BigLaw Taught Me

Monday, July 27th, 2009

I’ve recently had a few opportunities to interact with BigLaw. I was fortunate enough to see a few honest-to-goodness BigLaw lawyers work their magic in an initial consultation, and I even got to experience, through a client, the type of service BigLaw provides. Being the unselfish guy I am, I am going to share with you the five essential lessons I learned watching BigLaw. Follow these, and you’ll be representing clients like BigLaw in no time flat.

1) Don’t Answer Your Phone

That’s right, don’t even think about picking it up. This rule doesn’t just apply to famous partners with national reputations, but also to junior associates. Lawyers may know that you don’t go to court very often, if at all, but your clients don’t. I know you’re in your office for no less that ten hours each day sitting inches away from the phone writing soporific memos about obscure legal topics, but you can still convince the general public otherwise. You need to create the illusion of unavailability. Not answering your phone is a step in the right direction. The mystique you’ll create is what BigLaw is all about.

2) Don’t Respond to Emails

Your secretary needs to do that. The only time it is acceptable to write an email is before the client hires your firm. You are too important to type a few words for the people who pay your salary. If you are a real BigLaw lawyer, you’ll have a pool of secretaries willing to kill for the opportunity to tell your client what’s happening with his case. Secretaries write emails, BigLaw lawyers lawyer. I’m not sure how, but they do. That’s why they’re rich. This rule also applies to lowly associates, though they may actually have to make a call or two when the client finally hits his boiling point. Just make sure your secretary first sends an email to your client telling him you will contact him when you have the time. You’re busy, remember?

3) Don’t Listen

Paying attention to what people say when you ask them questions is for chumps. It’s total bush league stuff. It’s the kind of things solos do, and it’s beneath BigLaw. When you initially make small talk with a client and he tells you in a very somber tone that he was recently laid off from his job, make sure you focus on questions about where he works when you go over the BigLaw client intake questionnaire with him. That sad look in his eyes is respect, not shame. He is impressed with you and your BigLaw office.

4) No Updates

See how far you can stretch ER 1.4(a)(3)! Keeping the client reasonably informed about the status of the matter means letting him know when you’ve decided to drop his case. If you decide to keep his case, don’t tell him anything until it’s over. Remember, you are very busy. You must, however, promptly notify him of any outstanding fees.

5) More Is Better

Not with respect to communication, research, or zeal, but with respect to associates. You can’t have too many following you around. If you’re an associate, this applies to secretaries and paralegals. Having people follow you around makes you look and feel important. The more people who follow you around, the more important you are. The more important the people who follow you around are, the more important you are. Having a bevy of less important people following you around also has a hidden benefit every time you leave the room. After you leave, they can tell people how great you are. Clients won’t realize you all work for the same BigLaw firm and want to get their business. They’ll just be impressed that someone other than you is telling them how great you are.

If you take these five essential tips to heart, you will probably have a long and distinguished BigLaw career. I should warn you, however, that I take no responsibility for any bar complaints or lost business you might experience on the way to the top.

"This Is Real"

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

I recently left the country to attend my sister’s wedding. That’s why I didn’t put up a post last week. It was actually the longest I’ve gone without putting in a full day of work since Adrian and I started the firm, and yesterday was my first full day back. Yesterday morning, I had what I consider to be an extremely important hearing.

Although I wasn’t away from work for a particularly long time, it was long enough to make some of the feelings I get before big hearings or trials seem slightly foreign. The hour-long commute to court gave me plenty of time to think about what I was feeling.

The thrill of going into court and making an argument you believe in on behalf of a client is hard to describe. It’s a mix of the feeling you get before you go on stage to perform a concert and the feeling you get before you start the bar exam, but both feelings are multiplied by ten.

Everything gets amplified because there are real consequences. “This is real,” I think every time I go into court. The numbers I say in court correspond to real amounts of time or money. Real, immediate harm may occur to another human if I do not do my job well. Everyone in court is just talking, but the jail is made of bricks and mortar. The people jailing my client are real people, just like me and my client. They have real weapons and a real intention to ensure my client remains in their custody.

In our daily lives, words often don’t have consequences. People frequently say things that are unlikely to ever result in action. In court, however, a little slice of reality hides behind every word. That little slice of reality depends on my words.

As I drove to court yesterday morning, my job felt especially real. That’s a feeling I hope I never forget. It puts things in perspective.

Arizona DUI Stupidity

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

Imagine you’re sitting in the comfort of your own home, enjoying a glass of fine single barrel Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey. It’s about midnight, and you’re on your third or fourth when you hear the back window of your home shatter. You can hear that someone is trying to break into the house, and you run to call 911. As you frantically rush through the house, you see someone breaking in through the front window as well. You have no time to think, and not knowing what else to do, you swing open the door leading to your garage and jump in your car. You lock your doors, fire up the engine, open the automatic garage door, and speed off while calling the police.

Congratulations, you just escaped a very dangerous situation. You’re safe, but just for a little while. A few blocks from your home, a friendly law enforcement officer notices your excessive speed and pulls you over. When he walks up to the driver’s side window, he sees you’re a wreck. You’re sweaty, shaking, and can’t think straight. You don’t make any sense, constantly rambling about intruders. He notes your bloodshot, watery eyes, your slurred speech, and smells a moderate odor of alcohol. Don’t they always? He doesn’t care about your crazy burglary story because he’s heard every imaginable drunk driving sob story a million times. He wants to know how many you’ve had. He wants you to do some tests. Because you’re so flustered, you forget to ask for your lawyer. You do what he asks. He eventually takes you to the station, and you submit to a blood test.

I’ve got some bad news for you. You’re going to get a DUI. The courts won’t care that you can prove your windows were broken and your home was burglarized. It doesn’t matter that you have 911 in your call history, left your garage door wide open, and that there’s an ongoing police investigation about the burglary of your home. It won’t matter if they catch the guys who did it and you’re the named victim in the case against them.

Here’s the problem: there is no necessity defense to DUI in Arizona. In fact, to my knowledge, there is no type of DUI justification defense whatsoever in Arizona. That’s explained very clearly in State v. Fell, 203 Ariz. 186, 52 P.3d 218 (App. 2002), a Court of Appeals of Arizona, Division Two case that tells us why justification defenses do not apply to DUI.

State v. Fell doesn’t have the facts I just described, but the facts of the case do make me feel bad for the defendant. She was assaulted by her husband, who left the house. Fearing for her safety if her husband returned, she left. She was eventually stopped, arrested, and charged with DUI. She wanted to use as a defense “the fact that she had necessarily driven away from her home because of concern for her safety,” and the trial court let her. However, the state got a stay before trial and filed a special action, which it ultimately won.

The reason she didn’t get to employ a necessity defense, the same reason you won’t be able to use a justification defense, is because the DUI laws are found in Title 28 of the Arizona Revised Statutes, while the justification defenses are found in Title 13 of the Arizona Revised Statutes. A.R.S. 13-417 says that “[c]onduct that would otherwise constitute an offense is justified if a reasonable person was compelled to engage in the proscribed conduct and the person had no reasonable alternative to avoid imminent public or private injury greater than the injury that might reasonably result from the person’s own conduct.” It’s found in Chapter 4, “Justification,” which is found in Title 13. Title 13 is the criminal code. Also in Chapter 4 of Title 13 is A.R.S. 13-401, entitled “Unavailability of justification defense; justification as defense.” That statue provides that “justification, as defined in this chapter, is a defense in any prosecution for an offense pursuant to this title.” Unfortunately, Arizona’s DUI laws are all found in Title 28 along with other laws involving transportation.

State v. Fell isn’t a long opinion, but it’s long enough to pretty thoroughly piss me off. Even the way it states the facts of the case is irritating. The court admits the facts of the case were undisputed, yet it says the defendant’s husband “allegedly assaulted her.” I suspect that, if you appealed based on the facts I gave you above, the court would say your home was “allegedly burglarized.”

The defendant argued that the court should look at A.R.S. § 13-102, which provides that Title 13 “shall govern the construction of and punishment for any offense defined outside this title.” Sounds good, right? Justification defenses should apply to Title 28 offenses, right?

No such luck. The court decides the issue at hand doesn’t involve “the construction of” or the “punishment for” a DUI offense. I guess I can understand why they think that deciding whether to apply a defense might not be considered construction or punishment, but it irritates me. Arizona courts use A.R.S. § 13-102 to apply Title 13 sentence enhancement provisions to Title 28 felonies, but they won’t use it to apply Title 13 defenses to Title 28 felonies. I understand a sentence enhancement is pretty clearly “punishment for” a non-Title 13 offense, but I feel like it’s another example of courts interpreting statutes one way when they help the state and another way when they help defendants.

The court decides that the words “this title” reflect a clear legislative intent to limit application of the justification defenses to Title 13 and says that “no further inquiry is required.” The court ignores the rule of statutory construction called the rule of lenity because the statute is clear. Then, it applies the rule of statutory construction called inexpressio unius est exclusio alterius to decide that, because A.R.S. § 13-401 doesn’t list non-Title 13 offenses like DUI, the legislature did not intend justification defenses to apply to them. The court wasn’t impressed with the out-of-state authority the defendant cited, and it explained that Arizona has no common law defense of necessity. The court concludes that a DUI defendant can’t argue necessity.

The biggest frustration in all this is that I can’t say the case was wrongfully decided based on the text of the statutes. The statutes are terrible. Because of them, in the scenario I described above, you would be convicted. You could appeal, but the appellate court would just tell you the law is clear. It would use the rules of statutory construction that hurt you while dismissing the ones that help you. If you are convicted, the court may give you a Title 13 enhanced sentence, though it refused to give you a Title 13 necessity defense.

Knowing that, if you ever find yourself in the situation I described above, which I hope you never do, you will realize that you have two choices. You can risk death, or you can risk DUI. You aren’t going to find so much as a scrap of sympathy from any court.

I hope that all of you are as offended by this as I am. I wish I could say that State v. Fell is Arizona’s worst DUI opinion, but it probably isn’t close. It’s just one little sample of Arizona DUI stupidity.

Happy Fourth of July?

Saturday, July 4th, 2009

At first blush, my answer is a resounding “no.” Everywhere I look, I see reasons to believe the radical experiment in freedom that is this great nation of ours has failed.

As I read and re-read the Declaration of Independence over at Defending People and The Defense Rests, I can’t help but think the average citizen wouldn’t find the King of Great Britain’s repeated injuries and usurpations all that bad. Did they make us safer?

On this Independence Day, I intend to celebrate my country. However, I will celebrate with trepidation. I will wonder how much longer we have as a nation before we become indistinguishable from every other country in the world. I will continue to worry that the average citizen loves his country the way most people love the sports franchise geographically closest to them. They are proud that it is near and familiar. It is in no meaningful way different from any other, but it is theirs.

I am proud of this great country’s history and traditions, but I become more skeptical about its government with each passing day. Freedom, our foundation, is an afterthought.

Today, we will eat hot dogs (which vendors cannot wrap in bacon), watch a government fireworks display (which we cannot put on ourselves), smoke a cigar (which we cannot do in more places each day), and lift a glass to our heritage (which we cannot do before driving, even if we are not impaired). We will not think about the sweeping ideas of freedom and human rights that have provided us with 233 years of prosperity. They will be washed away by a multimedia melange of pomp and circumstance designed to make us think the government is what makes us great.

I sincerely hope that all of you have a happy Fourth of July, but I wish you would keep a few things in mind. As you celebrate, please think about just what you’re celebrating. Think about what makes us great. Think about what makes us different. Is it freedom, or is it government?

Twitter

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

For those of you who haven’t noticed yet, we finally gave in and joined the cult of Twitter. Now that we’ve drank the Twitter Kool-Aid, you can follow our commentary there as well as here. Please feel free to comment on our blog posts at either location.

We’ve added two new links at the bottom of the sidebar, one to follow each of us. If you don’t feel like scrolling all the way down, follow Matt Brown here and Adrian Little here. Each blog post should appear in both of our twitter pages.