Dave is doing his favorite thing in the world right now. Twenty seconds ago he was running laps in the backyard chasing invisible birds. Now, he’s probably digging a hole to sit in. Or he’s pooping someplace that’ll make it difficult for me to pick up in a few days. Regardless, whatever he is actually doing right now is his favorite thing in the world. Nevermind what I said before.

Dave likes to sit at the backdoor desperately begging to be let outside. Outside is his favorite thing in the world. If I let him out, he invariably spins around before longingly staring back inside, pining to return to the warm house and sit on his doggy bed waiting for his next adventure. That’s his favorite thing too.

Walks are Dave’s favorite thing. So are house guests. And dinner. Especially someone else’s dinner. But not after he’s eaten that and is ready for his own dinner. Now that’s really his favorite thing.

Dave is neutered, but I’m pretty sure he’s tried to have sex with everything in my house. Sex is his favorite thing. Balls or no balls, he’ll at least hop up on something and try to make a go of it. It’s his favorite thing, after all. Except for everything else.

I envy Dave. He lives in a world of infinite possibilities. He isn’t attached to any of them. Whatever he has is what he needs. It’s his favorite. Everything else is still really exciting though.

If only I could be a little more like Dave.

Someone recently sent me an email complaining about the math. He (or she, possibly, as the email address was quite androgynous) apparently had a brilliant comment but couldn’t get past the equation. He sent an email requesting that the administrator post the comment for him because he was vexed by the difficult calculations necessary to offer his two cents. I refused to do it.

How good a comment could it be, after all, if the author struggled to complete some basic arithmetic? He didn’t even think to Google the answer. I told him to give it his best shot and never heard from him again.

I think there’s a distinct possibility someone just sent the email to be funny. If so, mission accomplished. If not, remind me to send my web guy a thank you letter.

I noticed most members of the panel drew no distinction between law enforcement experience and military service. When the judge asked the jurors if they or any close friends or family had any law enforcement experience, most people who answered in the affirmative did so because they had friends or family in the armed forces.

My impression was that they viewed the two as being the same because they view both soldiers and cops as protectors. I found the lack of distinction troubling.

Maybe it’s the libertarian in me, but I’m bothered by the increasing police militarization in this country. Every day, I read The Agitator. Almost every week, I read something there that makes me depressed about police militarization and the government’s war against its citizens.

The officers I encounter in my job look more and more militarized with each passing year. The evolution has been from simple uniformed public servant to basic tactical gear to full-on SWAT to military combat uniforms. Now, everyone who gets to wear a gun or even a taser looks to me like he or she is ready for battle. Maricopa County court security now wears something that looks more fitting for a person guarding Fort Knox than someone watching beltless lawyers amble through an overly sensitive metal detector.

It feels like we’re being groomed. The more the police look like soldiers, the more accustomed we’ll be to policing methods better suited to the battlefield. After we’ve gotten used to the militarized policing of ordinary citizens by police officers, how hard will it be to just cross the blurred line and use the military? Talking with the jury panel, I gathered it wouldn’t be very hard at all.

I understand that polar bears don’t have to be in the snow to survive. I also understand that animals die far too frequently, especially in Phoenix, because their irresponsible owners left them in the car in the heat. That said, there’s something seriously wrong when people get the equivalent of the death penalty in the court of public opinion for leaving an animal in a hot car, yet the public applauds a zoo for giving an animal native to the Arctic Circle a little bit of snow to play in after forcing it to live most of its life someplace where it’s probably miserable because of the heat. People wouldn’t have such a lighthearted view of the dog-in-the-car situation if they ran a news story about how the owner cracked the window as a special summer treat.

I’m no zoo expert, but it seems to me that, if you’re going to have a polar bear in your zoo, you might want to give it snow all the time. They clearly like it. People may also want to think twice about condemning someone for leaving an animal someplace too hot if they’re going to use the next breath to muse about the cuteness of leaving another animal someplace too hot but giving it a little bit of something cool that it enjoys.

I am sure you have heard by now about Sheriff Joe’s recent high-publicity raid in Laveen. In a valiant effort to stop the unlawful raising of chickens for cockfighting, surely the single most serious problem affecting the good citizens of Maricopa County, your neighboring sheriff rolled out his prized tank and showed the community that such animal cruelty will not be tolerated by terrorizing a neighborhood and euthanizing 115 birds.

Sheriff Joe’s impressive display of force, which included numerous SWAT officers in full gear, armored vehicles, and a bomb robot, is just the kind of thing your office should do to remind the good people of Pinal County that your office loves animals too. Hopefully I do not have to remind you about the recent frog-fucker debacle in which one of your deputies was caught kicking a frog, painting it with Wite-Out, and tasering it before threatening to perform sex acts on it in the desert. I applaud you for refusing to rehire that deputy, but your office is going to need to increase its efforts if you want the people of Pinal County to rest assured their frogs are safe from libidinous law enforcement officers with a preference for amphibians.

The problem competing with Maricopa County, of course, is not merely that Sheriff Joe has vast resources at his disposal that he can use to prevent animal cruelty. He has also deputized Hollywood’s greatest Hulk, Lou Ferrigno, as well as Steven Seagal, who actually claims to have driven the tank during the raid in question. That kind of star power will be hard to beat. However, I think I have the solution.

You need to deputize Chuck Norris immediately. Despite rumors to the contrary, my sources suggest the use of Steven Seagal was not the result of a preexisting, escalating B-movie superstar arms race here in the Valley of the Sun, and I suspect Chuck Norris would be eager to help Pinal County. Chuck Norris’s tireless work as a Texas Ranger from 1993 to 2001 is well-documented. I myself have seen him rescue his own girlfriend from kidnappers on no fewer than a half dozen occasions. You are also unlikely to ever see Chuck Norris having to resign in the midst of sex scandal. After all, it is a well-known fact that, when Chuck Norris falls in love, he breaks it.

I further propose that you supplement Chuck Norris with someone known for playing a much beloved superhero. Although I am certain Chuck Norris could quite easily handle Steven Seagal and the Hulk on his own, he would likely appreciate a little company. I therefore propose that you also deputize Adam West immediately. Imagine the look on Sheriff Joe’s face when you see him at the Arizona Conference of Police and Sheriffs and explain that you will not only call his Steven Seagal with your Chuck Norris, but will also raise his Hulk a Batman.

I hope you seriously consider my suggestions, as you will be coming up for reelection next year and need to show you are tough on crimes against animals. Moreover, the scourge of cockfighting may not have reached rural Arizona yet, but I can assure you that, absent some grandiose county-sponsored display of tanks and Hollywood talent followed by a chicken cook-off, Pinal County may soon find itself infested with dangerous, though potentially delicious, fighting roosters. I implore you to act as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Matt Brown

Sax Man Serenade Prank – Watch more Funny Videos

H/T Kris

The move actually happened on the 1st of January, more or less, but the transition was still happening until this week. For all I know, it may well continue happening for weeks to come. I say that because it turns out Brown & Little, P.L.C., is the first business in the history of the world to move offices. I know it seems implausible, but I am certain you’d agree if you got to see how more or less every vendor involved dealt with the logistics of the move.

The moving company didn’t realize that transferring everything belonging to three law firms would take a serious amount of manpower. On a rare, rainy week during the closest thing Phoenix has to winter, the difference between an enclosed moving truck and an open trailer didn’t seem too important to them either. When they didn’t understand why a bunch of lawyers wouldn’t be too happy signing a contract absolving them of all liability for any damage caused to anything by anyone in any way, we hired a different moving company. Strangely, it must have also been their first move ever; the new company didn’t think it was important to tell us they don’t move art. You wouldn’t believe how many picture frames and little glass vases filled with sand you can fit in an M3.

No phone company has ever ported a fax or phone number, and no one really even knows how many different companies you have to pay to fully equip a suite of offices with phone, fax, and internet. Some companies do switches and firewalls, some do black boxes, some run lines to offices, some run lines to places I had no idea needed lines, and no one has any clue when things are going to get done and in which order people need to come. It must be the first time anyone has ever set up e-fax too. Otherwise, they probably would’ve known to explain that e-fax is incoming only. Nothing says consummate professional like trying to get a copier worth more than a small car to fax something, only to end up taking a walk of shame over to the receptionist to use her all-in-one printer because e-fax means no outgoing fax line. They weren’t even finished there; when we told them to put in an actual fax line and to use any free numbers in the block of 100 DIDs we have, they used a DID going to an office that was being used. Lucky callers got screechy faxes noises until we noticed the problem.

Oddly, even the post office has never dealt with a business change-of-address. It’s hard to believe, I know, but our superintendent sent us to the post office because they’re responsible for re-keying our mailboxes. I waited on hold forever to be told I don’t have to bring anything, only to wait in line forever to be told I must bring a copy of my lease to get a new key. After ensuring I definitely didn’t need a notarized lease, I waited in line forever yet again to be told I needed an executed, notarized lease. Returning with the executed, notarized lease and waiting forever in a lobby that felt like a home away from home at that point, the lady behind the counter didn’t even look at the lease I brought before issuing me everything I needed for the new key. She didn’t even request ID.

The end result of this, the first-ever move completed by any business in the history of the world, is that we have beautiful new offices in a much more convenient location. In fact, we actually have three free offices if any of you lawyers out there are looking for space. If you take us up on the offer, or even if you just have to move your business in general at some point, I hope that our trailblazing work in moving a business, something that had clearly never been done before, will make your move smooth sailing.

The Sierra Estrellas

Phoenix is surrounded by mountains, and the Sierra Estrella range has to be one of the most impressive. Many evenings, I get to see the sun set behind them as I drive home from the office. Although I’ve been looking up at the Estrellas every day for years, like many people, I had never ventured into the Sierra Estrella wilderness until very recently.

My friend Andy and I climbed Quartz Peak this past spring, and we both left wanting to someday climb the range’s highest point, Hayes Peak. The idea of another Estrella excursion soon faded from my memory, but not from Andy’s. He did all of the planning, and we decided to climb Hayes Peak a few weekends ago.

Of all the peaks, Quartz is the only one with a real trail going to the top. It’s a great hike, and there are plenty of websites telling you how to do it. Aside from reports on the trial to Quartz Peak, however, there’s generally a dearth of good information on the Estrellas. Even the names of the peaks aren’t so clear, though John Arthur does a good job identifying them here.

When it comes to Hayes Peak, someone who goes by “surgent” put up this good resource for the hike, and this page on surgent.net (which I presume is surgent’s site) provides a good narrative about one way to the top. We relied on those sources to figure out how to get there as well as how to get to the top.

The Drive

The Estrellas may be close, but there’s no good way to get there because it’s bordered to the East by the Gila River Indian Community. Unless you want to commit civil trespass (how’s that for tying this in to the law!), you’re going to have to go all the way around the range and climb it from the West.

We took the I-10 West to Sierra Estrella Parkway and took that South until Elliot Road. We turned right on Elliot Road and followed that until Rainbow Valley Road, where we turned left to follow it South to Riggs Road. We turned left on Riggs Road and followed that East until it came to a “T.” At that point, Riggs Road actually continues East in a straight line more or less, but it’s offset slightly to the right at the “T” and it’s a primitive dirt road from that point on. Hang a right and an immediate left onto the dirt portion of Riggs Road after the “T.”

The road is actually pretty good until you pass a cattle guard. After that, it’s pretty sandy and washed out at times. Adrian and I once went out there on some Kawasaki KLRs, but we turned back in search of more entertaining, less sandy roads. Follow the sandy dirt road until you hit another “T.” Here’s the route up to that point marked on a map:

View Larger Map

At that “T,” hang a left. You would’ve gone right here to get to the Quartz Peak trail head. Take the road north as it follows the power lines. It’s a little hard to see, but you’ll come up to an intersection after a little while. Apparently, this is Ocotillo Road coming in from the West. You want to go East, so hang a right. From what I can recall, it’s the first thing on the right that looks much like a road at all, and it’s after what appears to be a turnoff on the right. Go a short distance until you see a little fire ring made of rocks. This is where you’ll park.

The Hike

We basically took the red route to the blue route to the speculative green route on this map (from surgent):

Here is Andy’s own map of our exact route:

When you first get to the fire ring, you will see a bit of a path heading into the mountains, which you can follow for a few minutes before it disappears. You will have passed a little hill of sorts to the Southeast of where you parked. At this point, you’re basically on your own. There is no trail, but you’ll be in the wash you’re going to follow for a large portion of the hike. Follow it past a ridge that will be to the Southeast of you and that runs more or less East to West. Here’s the view near the beginning of the hike:

You can see a knob on the ridge above the center of the boulder in the picture. You basically follow the wash as you aim for ascending to the ridge line to the right of that knob. We stayed on the left side of the wash, which mostly avoided cliffs and other insurmountable obstacles. The route will get very steep as the elevation increases. The toughest part of the hike is probably the last little scramble to the ridge line, where the ground is loose and it’s extra steep. It’s all steep, but that stood out to me.

When we finally reached the ridge line, we were treated with this view as we looked West and surveyed the way we’d come:

You can see the little hill near where we parked (to the left of center) as well as the first ridge we passed following the wash (the one that goes almost the the center, starting from the left). If you follow the right tip of that ridge straight up until you’re even with the middle of the little hill, you can see the where the vehicle is parked.

Before reaching the ridge line, you won’t be able to see Hayes peak at all. After the ridge line, the hike is nothing but great views, and you can clearly see your goal. Here’s the view from the ridge line approaching the summit:

We found that following the ridge line all the way to the peak, including all of its ups and downs, wasn’t a bad way to go. The only problem was the fact the peak looked so close for so long. It was really discouraging to have to drop down again and again. When you finally get near, however, you realize the antenna you were seeing on top is much larger than you probably expected. The top of Hayes Peak is covered with solar panels, a shed, and an antenna. Here’s what you see when you arrive:

Here’s the view looking North from the summit:

Here’s the view of the Phoenix metro area from the top:

Zooming in, you can see the city:

You really get a sense of how big the Estrellas are when you look down on South Mountain, which appears to be more of a mound or a hill than a mountain from above:

Looking South, you can see the other peaks in the Estrellas:

The terrain is rough and steep, as you can see here:

To get down, just follow the same path you came. You will likely be able to see your vehicle for most of the hike along the ridge line, which actually ended up being a little disheartening for me. It looked so tiny for so long that I felt we weren’t making any progress.

In the end, it wasn’t that much faster going down than it was getting up, if it was faster at all. We also had a close call with a rattlesnake hiking down. Andy stepped onto a rock and we heard some serious rattling coming from a crevice behind where he stepped. That sure got the adrenaline flowing.

Overview

In general, the route we took seemed ideal. We left my house in the East Valley at 5:00 a.m. and started hiking around 6:45 a.m. We reached the top around 10:30 a.m., enjoyed some snacks and a lot of water at the top, and got back to the vehicle by 2:30 p.m. I was back home shortly after 4:00 p.m. All in all, the hike ended up being just over 7 miles from the vehicle to the top and back. The total elevation gain was 3,082 feet, starting at 1430 feet and topping out at 4512 feet.

For anyone hoping to do an unusual hike with no trail in a beautiful, remote wilderness area right next to Phoenix, you really couldn’t ask for anything more.

Anyway, I have no experience with criminal defense lawyer listservs. I’ve never asked or answered a question on one, and I never intend to start. I don’t see how asking important questions of a bunch of people I don’t know is a good idea for me or the client I’m trying to help. I also suspect any advice I might offer would merely drown in a sea of other opinions. I almost joined a listserv for lawyers here in Arizona after someone told me it was what rallied other lawyers to go crazy in the comments section of this blog, but I never got around to it. It just wasn’t worth my time.

I want to get my advice from known, reliable sources. That’s one reason why listservs aren’t my thing, but there’s actually something that runs a lot deeper than that. When it comes down to it, it’s the fundamental idea of asking questions in a forum that assumes they can be answered easily that really bothers me. Creating the illusion of quick answers to important questions leads down a dangerous path.

I learned very quickly as a child that a good route to success in grade school was relying on other people for everything. Ask and ye shall receive. Pepper teachers and everyone else with questions, and they’ll spoon feed you everything you want, one piece at a time. The teacher just stands there, available for questions. You don’t have to figure anything out for yourself if you just keep asking questions. People often mistake your stupid questions for expressions of genuine interest too. It’s a sure route to success in school without trying very hard, but it’s a terrible way to learn anything.

When music caught my fancy and I really wanted to get good at it, I had become so stuck in my habit of asking stupid questions that I would inadvertently resort to over-questioning even though I really wanted to learn. My first horn teacher in undergrad bluntly asked me, “are you going to keep asking retarded questions or are you going to play a little horn?” He analogized what I was doing by asking so many questions to trying to inflate a balloon by pulling on an infinite number of points on the outside of the balloon simultaneously. His comment: “you should probably just blow in the damn balloon, Matt. It’s easier in the long run.”

Unfortunately, when you have a job where you are not in charge and have no discretion, asking constant questions is not only helpful if you want to skate by without having to actually master anything, but it’s often expected regardless of your intention. You need to do everything exactly like your boss tells you, even those things that may amount to little more than the boss’s personal preferences.

Once a lawyer begins representing clients, the constant questioning should stop. The model where you need input on everything from someone else doesn’t work. What would the client think if he or she knew the person taking his or her hard-earned money needed a step-by-step tutorial to do even the most basic tasks? What happens if no one’s there to answer the lawyer’s question when something really tricky comes up?

Everybody has to ask questions sometimes. At that point, seek out someone who knows the answer and talk to that person. Prepare so you can explain everything thoroughly, do as much research as you can to avoid wasting the person’s time on things you could have found out on your own, and make sure you’re getting the information you need from someone you trust. Asking questions is fine if that’s how it’s done. It’s the relentless, easy questioning that’s problematic.

This all brings me back to listservs. The questionable accuracy of the information aside, the problem with listservs really comes down to the ease of asking. When it’s easy, people tend to revert to the kind of questioning that makes them reliant on others for everything, the kind of questioning that got me through grade school but failed at teaching me anything valuable.

Taking advantage of the availability of simple answers can quickly become a crutch and invade everything you do. It’s a highly infectious way of functioning both at work and in daily life. The ease of asking questions on listservs and even the ease of asking questions on the internet in general, for that matter, only encourages mindless and unproductive questioning. It ultimately gets in the way of ever really building knowledge or skill.