I am sure you have heard by now about Sheriff Joe’s recent high-publicity raid in Laveen. In a valiant effort to stop the unlawful raising of chickens for cockfighting, surely the single most serious problem affecting the good citizens of Maricopa County, your neighboring sheriff rolled out his prized tank and showed the community that such animal cruelty will not be tolerated by terrorizing a neighborhood and euthanizing 115 birds.
Sheriff Joe’s impressive display of force, which included numerous SWAT officers in full gear, armored vehicles, and a bomb robot, is just the kind of thing your office should do to remind the good people of Pinal County that your office loves animals too. Hopefully I do not have to remind you about the recent frog-fucker debacle in which one of your deputies was caught kicking a frog, painting it with Wite-Out, and tasering it before threatening to perform sex acts on it in the desert. I applaud you for refusing to rehire that deputy, but your office is going to need to increase its efforts if you want the people of Pinal County to rest assured their frogs are safe from libidinous law enforcement officers with a preference for amphibians.
The problem competing with Maricopa County, of course, is not merely that Sheriff Joe has vast resources at his disposal that he can use to prevent animal cruelty. He has also deputized Hollywood’s greatest Hulk, Lou Ferrigno, as well as Steven Seagal, who actually claims to have driven the tank during the raid in question. That kind of star power will be hard to beat. However, I think I have the solution.
You need to deputize Chuck Norris immediately. Despite rumors to the contrary, my sources suggest the use of Steven Seagal was not the result of a preexisting, escalating B-movie superstar arms race here in the Valley of the Sun, and I suspect Chuck Norris would be eager to help Pinal County. Chuck Norris’s tireless work as a Texas Ranger from 1993 to 2001 is well-documented. I myself have seen him rescue his own girlfriend from kidnappers on no fewer than a half dozen occasions. You are also unlikely to ever see Chuck Norris having to resign in the midst of sex scandal. After all, it is a well-known fact that, when Chuck Norris falls in love, he breaks it.
I further propose that you supplement Chuck Norris with someone known for playing a much beloved superhero. Although I am certain Chuck Norris could quite easily handle Steven Seagal and the Hulk on his own, he would likely appreciate a little company. I therefore propose that you also deputize Adam West immediately. Imagine the look on Sheriff Joe’s face when you see him at the Arizona Conference of Police and Sheriffs and explain that you will not only call his Steven Seagal with your Chuck Norris, but will also raise his Hulk a Batman.
I hope you seriously consider my suggestions, as you will be coming up for reelection next year and need to show you are tough on crimes against animals. Moreover, the scourge of cockfighting may not have reached rural Arizona yet, but I can assure you that, absent some grandiose county-sponsored display of tanks and Hollywood talent followed by a chicken cook-off, Pinal County may soon find itself infested with dangerous, though potentially delicious, fighting roosters. I implore you to act as soon as possible.